Download the PDF: No Shit Teaser

BLACK SCREEN

The sound of a toilet flushing.

FADE TO:

EXT. A BEACH - EVENING

FRED and JOHN are sitting in the sand, staring out into the ocean.

FRED
Can you imagine it, all the shit that's out there?

JOHN
Is that really the kind of stuff you think about?

FRED
Yeah man, I just picture it in my head and it boggles the mind.

JOHN
You're depraved.

FADE TO BLACK.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
One man realized a habit.

CUT TO:

INT. A WASHROOM

JOHN bursts through the door. FRED is standing up after taking a shit, and is glancing back into the bowl.

JOHN
What the hell are you looking at?

FADE TO BLACK.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
He recognized a trend.

CUT TO:

INT. JOHN'S LIVING ROOM

JOHN and his wife LISA are watching a stand up comedian on television.

LISA
This guy just gets it.

JOHN turns to her.

JOHN
This isn't a quirk Lisa, it's filth.

LISA
Everyone does it.

JOHN
I don't.

LISA
Well maybe you're the only one.

FADE TO BLACK.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
He would find a purpose.

FADE TO:

EXT. JOHN AND LISA'S BACK PORCH - MORNING

JOHN is lying across some lawn furniture, holding a book. LISA walks out from the house.

LISA
What are you reading there, hun.

JOHN
On the Origin of Species.

LISA
Oh?

JOHN
Charles Darwin.

CUT TO BLACK.

There's a dramatic beat.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
(More determined)
And he would make a plan.

FADE TO:

INT. JOHN AND LISA'S DINING ROOM - EVENING

JOHN and LISA have a bunch of guests over, all sitting around the dining table. They're all dressed formally. JOHN is sitting at the head. He stands up.

LISA
Oh John, we're all eating. Must you bring this up now?

JOHN
Just tell me, right now, by a show of hands, how many of you look down at your feces after you defecate.

The guests look at each other, kind of confused. Then they all awkwardly raise their hands.

JOHN
All I needed to know.

JOHN pulls out a gun, and shoots one in the head.

CUT TO BLACK.

One gun is heard for every other house guest, including his wife.

FADE TO:

INT. A MOVING TRAIN CAR - AFTERNOON

JOHN is sitting on the train, talking on his phone.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
It would take him around the world.

JOHN
This isn't just about me, it's about saving the human race.

FADE TO BLACK.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
He would meet friends and allies.

FADE TO:

INT. ELIZABETH'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

JOHN has his fade in his hands. ELIZABETH is speaking with him.

ELIZABETH
You can't kill them all John. There are too many of them, and too few of us.

JOHN lifts his head. He's crying.

JOHN
There is no other way, Darwin said-

ELIZABETH puts her hand on his shoulder.

ELIZABETH
John... Darwin wasn't writing about death...

She grins, deviously

ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
He was writing about procreation.

FADE TO:

INT. A LABORATORY

ELIZABETH is introducing JOHN to her friend, Katherine, a scientist.

ELIZABETH
This is Kate, she's a biochemist.

JOHN
What exactly does this retrovirus do?

KATE
It will infect everyone.

JOHN
But I don't want to infect everyone.

KATE
No, you don't get it. It stays dormant until the victim observes their own feces.

JOHN
That's...

JOHN looks to ELIZABETH

JOHN
Genius.

FADE TO:

INT. A WATER FILTRATION PLANT

An action montage of ELIZABETH and JOHN fighting their way through waves of water filtration security. There is a lot of gunfire.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
In one of the greatest adventures to protect humanity from what it has become, in a tragic tale of one man's sacrifice for the sins of us all.

CUT TO:

INT. CATWALKS IN THE WATER FILTRATION PLANT

JOHN, holding a sealed beaker with green liquid, runs to in slow motion along the catwalk while being chased by guards. Bullets are whizzing past him. He's quickly approaching an enormous water vat. He leaps onto the railing, and jumps for the vat. In midair his arms and legs form a cross, the vial glowing strongly.

CUT TO BLACK.

The sound of glass shattering. Then the title of the movie appears: No Shit.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
No Shit. Coming to theaters in Summer, 2033.